THE TWO SETS OF THREES
Consider that the figure, the triangle, represents our mind.
That the theory on the function of our mind was developed by Sigmund Freud. He considered a person's awareness of thought as conscious, preconscious, and subconscious, and what affected their thought to be the id, ego, and superego. For me these ideas describe the function of self. With the basic function of self, becoming one's own, being described with one word, thinking.
My idea here is not to make less of Freud's contributions. I consider him a great thinker. I am though using some great ideas and some simplicity as a beginning to discuss human behavior.
In using Freud's idea of describing the mind. three of this or three of that, I like masculine, feminine, and child. The thought describes that as a person feels about themselves, they often feel about men, women, and children. A simple and easy idea to understand. You don't like other people? You probably don't like yourself either.
There was a moment in my life's experiences when this thinking was mine. I didn't like myself or anyone else. A failure had occurred. My learning wasn't working. Development became distorted. I was physically working, paying my bills. But I was unhappy, My awareness of self, existed without purpose or direction, excessive drinking, irrational behavior, and thoughts of suicide.
I made efforts to learn. I started seeing a psychiatrist. This was considered a socially acceptable procedure, seeking help.
My work was aboard ship. I would see him when home. Treatment or sessions would vary. After five years I was still having the same problems as when we started, failures in learning and my love life. Periodically the psychiatrist assured me the sessions would be successful. I started complaining, as they weren't. Then he tried to put the moves on me. I was furious. Here was a guy that promised he would help me, and here he was trying to use me as a sexual object. I left.
My involvements at the time, besides family, were three lady friends. Their names were, love, beauty, and of the poem. My involvements with the women were as their names. Please remember here that I have a weakness in my thinking that creates failure. A failure of self that carries over into relationships. I had just tried psychoanalysis. An effort to understand that turned out badly. I needed to learn.
I started writing my thoughts. This became a creative thought process, a writing of the interaction of thinking and learning between the conscious and subconscious, a development of an idea that creates the thinking needed for the learning of the self. I wrote the thoughts of the idea as my mind created it.
I was pleased. I felt somehow this was the beginning of what I needed to know.
A problem with my writing then, was the hate I felt for the psychiatrist. I wanted to kill him. He, the treatment was dishonest. When first going to the psychiatrist I was lost, and he was going to help me. He became the source of my help. A dependency that fortunately for me, over time became less.
My work aboard ship was my own before my problem began. I was a ships Engineer. The complex thinking required of being successful in operating and repairing a vessels propulsion and auxiliary equipment was mine. The thinking created a questioning of the psychoanalysis.
After leaving the psychoanalysis, and with exception of my writing, I was unhappy with everything except, as I started writing, the source of my help changed to me. During this my lady friend of the poem, gave me a poem. In it she wrote, you are like a cat and seem to come alive at night. you hate because I cannot love the way you do or want me to.
I should have realized she was looking for attention. But as I said there was a weakness. I wrote, Hate? You want to see hate? The idea of our written thoughts, the hate, had for me one source, what I felt for the psychiatrist. This became part of my thought process.
The hate became then, part of my creative thinking and writing, a development of intensity and absurdity. A part of that was being correct. Whatever were my thoughts and actions they were correct.
For example, I asked my lady friend of the poem out for dinner. She declined. She was having dinner with her Jewish friends instead of me. But I was the one that was important. I was correct. I began a dislike of her Jewish friends. My hatred of the psychiatrist also became then, a development of antisemitism.
A thinking began of my previous experiences and emotional involvements, memories of the love for my Jewish friends. This began a conflict. The love for my friends was more than I hated even the psychiatrist.
I needed to stop the development of hate, too much damage to my thinking. I didn't like what I had become. It wasn't me. I broke the windshield of my lady friend's car and left the writing. This included her poem. Without my involvement, the thinking in the writing and creativity, the development stopped.
The police kept the writing as evidence of a crime. The writing, creativity, and me were like one thought, an interdependency. Separating this stopped the development of hate. Stopping the development meant I could begin again the freedom of self, the freedom of being me. The freedom that I felt begin in my writing.
In committing the crime then, I was trying to save me. For example, after leaving the writing there was a calmness that began from within. My thinking was still confused, the damage from the experience of the hate. But the tension from the development and the conflicts was gone.
As for my friend of the poem, my actions frightened her. She brought charges. My thinking, in being screwed up from the hate, meant that I couldn't explain my actions to her or defend myself at the trial.
I was convicted of a misdemeanor at the 48th District Court of Birmingham, Michigan in June of 1975.
The relationships with my three lady friends was gone. People questioned my sanity. My interest was my writing. This, like my thinking was a mess. The person that supported me was my Dad. I started a new piece of writing to straighten out the thinking of my problems.
My life seemed to exist in memories. Thinking and writing opened up my mind, bringing memories to the surface. Thinking and writing began to resolve issues of needing to learn.
This took about two years. Then I went back to sea. Returning my Dad broke out a notebook. In it was a listing of the money he had given me with the total. I said check or cash.
Life then became good until 1982. I got hurt again in a relationship. My thinking became distorted again. There was no hate with this. I went to see another psychiatrist. This time there were only two sessions for the insight I needed. He said, stop trying to forget her. I was creating my own problem. Shutting down the creative thought process, the interaction of thinking between the conscious and subconscious.
In writing this article I noticed there was a word missing. A word that usually, easily fits into and becomes part of an articles thought. The word, responsibility. The idea, the responsibility of self. Without this responsibility, no development will become.
I learned in my thinking of, and existing learning of self. I could become aware of and adjust my thoughts accordingly, for my development or idea of self to become as I choose.
We each have the freedom to choose individual development. We begin with a process of creative thinking. A process that begins with an idea, to initiate an interaction of thinking, learning, and remembering, between the conscious and subconscious, to create the thought needed for the idea, the development of self to become. A process where a person becomes more than they thought they could become. A process where each person can think, learn, and become their own.
This effort of development of self is represented by the triangle with the base expanding towards the self, encompassing the thinking and learning, the developing consciousness of self. Similarly, there is an outer consciousness represented by a second triangle, inverted and expanding outward, encompassing the thinking and learning of whatever is outside of the self. Thus we now have two triangles. One representing inner consciousness, and the other, outer consciousness.
With most people, consciousness exists as one thought. Thus putting together the two triangles, the thinking of the mind in the development of self, the becoming and being of one's own, creates a figure representing individual consciousness, the oneness of self.
© Ernest G Jackson 2022 All Rights Reserved. | 1494 Words.
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