THE TWO SETS OF THREES
Consider that the figure, the triangle, represents our mind.
That the theory describing the function of our mind was developed by Sigmund Freud. He considered a person's awareness of thought as conscious, preconscious, and subconscious, and what affected their thought to be the ego, superego, and id.
In using Freud's idea of describing the mind, three of this or three of that, I like masculine, feminine, and child. The thought describes that as a person feels about themselves, they often feel about men, women, and children. A simple and easy idea to understand. You don't like other people? You probably don't like yourself either.
There was a moment in my life's experiences when this thinking was mine. I didn't like myself or anyone else. A failure had occurred. My learning wasn't working. Development became distorted. I was physically working, paying my bills, but I was unhappy. My awareness of self often existed without purpose or direction. There was excessive drinking, irrational behavior, and thoughts of suicide.
I made an effort to learn. I started seeing a psychiatrist. This was considered, socially acceptable seeking of help.
My work was aboard ship. I would see him when home. So treatment or sessions would vary. After five years I was still having the same problems as when we started, failures, limits that affected learning, and of being effective in my love life. I started complaining. The psychiatrist assured me the sessions would be successful. They weren't to me.
Towards the end of a session and another unsuccessful compliant, I blurted out that as a child I had some same sex sexual experiences. The session was ending. He just said, ok.
After leaving his office I thought, why did I even bring that up? The experiences were nothing, childhood curiosity, playing around. I began to realize my subconscious was creating thinking.
Over the next few sessions he started bringing up topics like, a lot of great men are homosexuals. Then, during a session, he tried to put the moves on me. I was furious. Our treatment had become as he wanted, not as I needed.
I don't think the psychiatrist ever understood the weakness, limit in my thinking. The need to learn.
Among my involvements then were three lady friends. I called them love, beauty, and of the poem. This should have been just one.
Most women to me are beautiful, and not just physically, but intellectually and emotionally as well. Yet regardless of my love for them, the weakness, failure in my thinking affected caring and commitment.
I started writing a thought process, an interaction of thinking and learning between the conscious and subconscious, a development of an idea that created the thinking needed for learning of the self. The effort was new. I worked at it.
I was pleased. I felt somehow this was the beginning of what I needed to know.
A problem with my writing then, was the hate I felt for the psychiatrist. I wanted to kill him. He was dishonest. When first going to the psychiatrist I was lost, and he was going to help me. He became the source of my help. A dependency that fortunately for me, over time became less.
My work aboard ship was my own before my problem began. I was a ships Engineer. The complex thinking required of being successful in operating and repairing a vessels propulsion and auxiliary equipment was mine. The thinking created a questioning of myself, and the psychoanalysis. My subconscious reacted, disrupting thinking.
After leaving the psychoanalysis, I was unhappy with everything, except as I started writing. The source of my help changed to me. During this my lady friend of the poem, gave me a poem. In it she wrote. You are like a cat and seem to come alive at night. You hate because I cannot love the way you do or want me to.
I should have realized she was only looking for attention. But as I said before, there was a weakness in my thinking. I wrote, Hate? You want to see hate? The idea of our written thought, had for me one source, what I felt for the psychiatrist.
Hate became then, part of my creative thinking and writing, a development creating intensity and absurdity. A part of that was being correct. Whatever were my thoughts and actions, they were correct.
For example, I asked my lady friend of the poem out for dinner. She declined. She was having dinner with her Jewish friends instead of me. But I was the one that was important. I was correct. I began a dislike of her Jewish friends. My hatred of the psychiatrist also became then, a development of antisemitism.
A thinking began of previous experiences and emotional involvements, memories of the love for my Jewish friends. This began a conflict. The love for my friends challenged my hatred for the psychiatrist.
I needed to stop the development of hate. There was too much damage being created in my thinking. I didn't like what I had become. The hate wasn't me.
I began to realize, being involved in creating my feelings of wanting to kill the psychiatrist. That to kill him would be murder. I broke the windshield of my lady friend's car and left the writing. This included her poem.
The police kept the writing as evidence of a crime. The writing, creativity, and me were like one thought. Without my involvement, the thinking in the writing and creativity stopped, stopping the development of the hate. This meant that eventually I could begin again the freedom of self, the freedom of being me. The freedom I felt begin in my writing.
My committing the crime then, was an effort of trying to save me. For example, after leaving the writing there was a calmness that began from within. My thinking was still confused, the damage from the experience of the hate. But the tension from the development and the conflicts was gone.
I had committed a crime to avoid committing a far greater crime.
My actions frightened my friend of the poem. She brought charges. My thinking, screwed up from the hate, meant that I couldn't explain my actions or defend myself at the trial. That she too was a part of the conflict of the love and hate existing in my mind. The crime created law that kept us apart.
I was convicted of a misdemeanor at the 48th District Court of Birmingham, Michigan in June of 1975.
The relationships with my three lady friends were gone. They learned. They were not my only one. My interest was my writing. My thinking was a mess, as with my writing. I started a new piece of writing to straighten out my thinking. My Dad supported me.
About a year later, the improvements from my efforts of thinking and writing were resolving distorted issues of my thinking, enough where I could function socially. I went back to sea. When returning home, my Dad broke out a notebook. In it there was a listing of the money he had given me. I said check or cash.
Life then became good until 1982. I got hurt again in a relationship. My thinking became distorted again. There was no hate this time, only a confusion. I went to see another psychiatrist. There were only two sessions for the insight I needed. He said, stop trying to forget her. I was creating my own problem.
Subconsciously I was shutting down of my thought process, the interaction of thinking, learning, and remembering between the conscious and subconscious. Learning resolved the source of my problem. My thinking became my own.
In testing the idea I started dating two women. Both were mainly involved with themselves so I knew the relationships would fail. As this occurred I experienced the reaction of shutting down my thinking.
I learned in my experiences, my thinking and learning of self, that I could become aware of and adjust my thoughts accordingly, for my development or idea of self to become as I choose.
We each have the freedom to choose individual development. We begin with a process of thinking that begins an idea to initiate an interaction of thinking, learning, and remembering between the conscious and subconscious, to create the thought needed for the idea, the development of self to become. A process where a person becomes more than they thought they could become. A process where each person can think, learn, and become their own.
This effort of development of self is represented by the triangle with the base expanding towards the self, encompassing the thinking and learning, the developing consciousness of self. Similarly, there is an outer consciousness represented by a second triangle, inverted and expanding outward, encompassing the thinking and learning of whatever is outside of the self. Thus we now have two triangles. One representing inner consciousness, and the other, outer consciousness.
With most people, consciousness exists as one thought. Thus putting together the two triangles, the thinking of the mind in the development of self, the becoming and being of one's own, creates a figure representing individual consciousness, the oneness of self.
© Ernest G Jackson 2025 All Rights Reserved. | 1548 Words.
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