THE TWO SETS OF THREES
Consider that the figure, the triangle, represents our mind.
That the theory describing the function of our mind was developed by Sigmund Freud. He considered a person's awareness of thought as conscious, preconscious, and subconscious, and what affected their thought to be the id, ego, and superego.
In using Freud's idea of describing the mind. three of this or three of that, I like masculine, feminine, and child. The thought describes that as a person feels about themselves, they often feel about men, women, and children. A simple and easy idea to understand. You don't like other people? You probably don't like yourself either.
There was a moment in my life's experiences when this thinking was mine. I didn't like myself or anyone else. A failure had occurred. My learning wasn't working. Development became distorted. I was physically working, paying my bills. But I was unhappy, My awareness of self, often existed without purpose or direction. There was excessive drinking, irrational behavior, and thoughts of suicide.
I made an effort to learn. I started seeing a psychiatrist. This was considered a socially acceptable seeking of help.
My work was aboard ship. I would see him when home. So treatment or sessions would vary. After five years I was still having the same problems as when we started, failures in learning and my love life. Periodically the psychiatrist assured me the sessions would be successful. I started complaining, as they weren't. Then he tried to put the moves on me. I was furious. Here was this person that promised he would help me, and here he was trying to use me as a sexual object. I left.
My involvements at the time, besides family, were three lady friends. Their names were, love, beauty, and of the poem. My involvements with the women were as their names. Please remember here that I have a weakness, a problem in my thinking that creates failure. A failure of self often occurring in relationships. I had just tried psychoanalysis. An effort to understand that turned out badly. I needed to learn.
I started writing my thoughts. This became a creative thought process, a writing of the interaction of thinking and learning between the conscious and subconscious, a development of an idea that creates the thinking needed for learning of the self. I wrote the thoughts of the idea as my mind created it.
I was pleased. I felt somehow this was the beginning of what I needed to know.
A problem with my writing then, was the hate I felt for the psychiatrist. I wanted to kill him. He, the treatment was dishonest. When first going to the psychiatrist I was lost, and he was going to help me. He became the source of my help. A dependency that fortunately for me, over time became less.
My work aboard ship was my own before my problem began. I was a ships Engineer. The complex thinking required of being successful in operating and repairing a vessels propulsion and auxiliary equipment was mine. The thinking created a questioning of the psychoanalysis.
After leaving the psychoanalysis, I was unhappy with everything, except as I started writing. The source of my help changed to me. During this my lady friend of the poem, gave me a poem. In it she wrote, you are like a cat and seem to come alive at night. you hate because I cannot love the way you do or want me to.
I should have realized she was looking for attention. But as I said before, there was a weakness in my thinking. I wrote, Hate? You want to see hate? The idea of our written thought, had for me one source, what I felt for the psychiatrist.
Hate became then, part of my creative thinking and writing, a development creating intensity and absurdity. A part of that was being correct. Whatever were my thoughts and actions, they were correct.
For example, I asked my lady friend of the poem out for dinner. She declined. She was having dinner with her Jewish friends instead of me. But I was the one that was important. I was correct. I began a dislike of her Jewish friends. My hatred of the psychiatrist also became then, a development of antisemitism.
A thinking began of previous experiences and emotional involvements, memories of the love for my Jewish friends. This began a conflict. The love for my friends was more than I hated even the psychiatrist.
I needed to stop the development of hate. There was too much damage being created in my thinking. I didn't like what I had become. The hate wasn't me. I broke the windshield of my lady friend's car and left the writing. This included her poem. Without my involvement, the thinking in the writing and creativity, the development stopped.
The police kept the writing as evidence of a crime. The writing, creativity, and me were like one thought, an interdependency. Separating this stopped the development of hate. Stopping the development meant I could begin again the freedom of self, the freedom of being me. The freedom that I felt begin in my writing.
In committing the crime then, I was trying to save me. For example, after leaving the writing there was a calmness that began from within. My thinking was still confused, the damage from the experience of the hate. But the tension from the development and the conflicts was gone.
My actions frightened my friend of the poem. She brought charges. My thinking, screwed up from the hate, meant that I couldn't explain my actions or defend myself at the trial. That she too was a part of the conflict of the love and hate existing in my mind. The crime created law that kept us apart.
I was convicted of a misdemeanor at the 48th District Court of Birmingham, Michigan in June of 1975.
The relationships with my three lady friends were gone. People questioned my sanity. My interest was my writing. My thinking was a mess, as was my writing. The person that supported me was my Dad. I started a new piece of writing to straighten out my thinking.
After about a year, I started showing some improvement. Thinking and writing began resolving the issues I needed to learn. I went back to sea. When returning home, my Dad broke out a notebook. In it was a listing of the money he had given me. I said check or cash.
Life then became good until 1982. I got hurt again in a relationship. My thinking became distorted again. There was no hate this time, only the confusion. I went to see another psychiatrist. There were only two sessions for the insight I needed. He said, stop trying to forget her. I was creating my own problem.
I was subconsciously shutting down of my creative thought process, the interaction of thinking between the conscious and subconscious. Learning resolved the source of my problem.
In writing this article I noticed there was a word missing. A word that easily fits into and becomes part of an articles thought. The word creates into an idea, the responsibility of self. Without responsibility, no development of the self will become.
I learned in my thinking of, and existing learning of self. I could become aware of and adjust my thoughts accordingly, for my development or idea of self to become as I choose.
We each have the freedom to choose individual development. We begin with a process of creative thinking. A process that begins with an idea, to initiate an interaction of thinking, learning, and remembering, between the conscious and subconscious, to create the thought needed for the idea, the development of self to become. A process where a person becomes more than they thought they could become. A process where each person can think, learn, and become their own.
This effort of development of self is represented by the triangle with the base expanding towards the self, encompassing the thinking and learning, the developing consciousness of self. Similarly, there is an outer consciousness represented by a second triangle, inverted and expanding outward, encompassing the thinking and learning of whatever is outside of the self. Thus we now have two triangles. One representing inner consciousness, and the other, outer consciousness.
With most people, consciousness exists as one thought. Thus putting together the two triangles, the thinking of the mind in the development of self, the becoming and being of one's own, creates a figure representing individual consciousness, the oneness of self.
© Ernest G Jackson 2022 All Rights Reserved. | 1449 Words.
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